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Blog

To be what you want to be

Guest User

·       by miyukiphd

·      (Originally posted) August 8, 2018

Psychology

 

According to Self-Discrepancy Theory (Higgins, 1987; Tangney, et al., 1998), there are four different Selves: Ideal Self (what you want to be); Real Self (what you see who you are); Ought Self (what you believe you ought to be); and Feared Self (what you are fearful to be). Ideal Self can be based on your ambition, goals, and/or traits that you like (to have). Whereas Ought Self is who you are expected to be, and the expectations are those from your parents, peers, and the society you live in. When your Real Self is far from your Ideal Self or Ought Self, and when your Real Self is close to your Feared Self, depression / anxiety will be experienced. That is, discrepancy between these Selves creates emotional distress, including self-esteem issues.

What is your Ideal Self? Can you tell the difference between Ideal Self and Ought Self? Where is your Feared Self coming from?

I always wanted to be an independent person (financially, physically, and mentally). This Ideal Self may have been developed because not only I witnessed sexual inequality in previous generations, but I also always felt my Real Self (an active and independent person) is different from traditional (Japanese) women (Ought Self). Whenever I was directly and indirectly asked to be a typical girl (Ought Self), I felt uncomfortable expressing myself (Real Self) due to fear of rejection. Ought Self had particularly strong influence in my teenage and the early 20s, as I was a so-called perfectionist (see my previous blog on Perfectionism). My Ought Self had power over my Ideal Self, and my Real Self believed that I needed to aspire to be the Ought Self. Of course, this made me feel as if I was living in someone else’s life. Perfectionism would be partly learned from society, but it would mostly be from your upbringing. If a child perceives that s/he is not accepted unconditionally by his/her parents, s/he becomes more conscious about others’ approval. I often see similar struggle in my clients who have gender / sexuality that does not match with social expectation (i.e., LGBTIA).

Ought Self does not exist in me anymore, making me feel satisfied with who I am now. I found my Real Self that is very similar to my Ideal Self – I achieved this partly by living in overseas, but more so by finding my own identity.

How about your journey to discover yourself? Are you the person who you want to be?

If not, what is stopping you from becoming the person you want to be? Are you still overpowered by your Ought Self?